Today sucked. It’s my own fault. Me & my procrastination & my emotionally unavailable men & my Hollywood ass friendships. Let’s make a list! 

Hollywood Ass Friendships: I’m from Los Angeles. A Hollywood ass friendship is an obligatory friendship, or, not even that. Just a friendship where everythings not on the table, so you feel like you’re acting. Y’know:

Hey, girl! How you doin’, oh my God I haven’t seen you in forever! (But if you’d wanted to speak to me you could’ve hit me up.)

I know! I miss you! We need to do something! (Lame. Because everytime we hang out the shit is lame.)

Just fake ass friendships. And I would cut it off but there’s so much history and bad blood mixed in with good times between us that I don’t know if all the cattiness is in my head or not. I’d like to say I’m usually on point about these things, but I’m not. 

Emotionally Unavailable Men: I have two of them, currently. One of them is legitimately unavailable. I just had a threesome with him and his girl last week. We’re all on good terms. But the chemistry between me and him is ridiculous and I told him that we need to chill so I can get some perspective. It occurs to me that I’m two steps away from being that desperate female that clings to any man she can get as an alternative to being lonely. I’m clinging to those two steps. Which is why I backed away, because I actually have his girlfriend’s permission to be all up under him. The whole situation just doesn’t sit well with me. 

My second emotionally unavailable man….see….here’s the thing. I don’t think he’s actually emotionally unavailable. He was, when we first met, and I think I just put him up on a pedestal and said, “No, Ashley, that’s not for you. You can’t have that.” But then, he wasn’t emotionally unavailable anymore and the line kinda blurred and I got a little caught up, and then I got scared (because I’m not supposed to have good things), and remembered the pedestal and just put him back up on it. “No, Ashley, that’s not for you. You can’t have that.” So I told him I was going to disappear so that I could get myself together, and come to terms with only being a friend. 

I’ve been tearing myself up over it all day. I think, really, that it’s more that I freaked out than it is that I’d actually be doing anything wrong, but I’m not one hundred percent certain either way. At this point, I feel enough doubt that I’d be willing to go back to communicating with him. But, I told him I was disappearing, lol. So, what do I look like just popping back up? We call that good, old-fashioned pride, folks. 

Procrastination: Ok. this is a big one, which is why I saved it for last. Hopefully my Tumblr parental figures aren’t reading anymore.

Ikindafailedouttaschool.

Okay, okay, before you get all hasty and upset with me and stuff, I fixed it! Well, I’m in the process of fixing it. I have a plan. I’ll get it done. Swear. Promise. Cross my heart, hope to die & shit.

I procrastinate. I should be cleaning my room right now. I’m blogging. It’s the Saggitarius in me. It’s not that I don’t have enough time, ‘cause I do. It’s just that I don’t manage it well. And I realize that this is something I’m going to have to work on because I’m so tired of feeling like this. Like the world’s brightest fucking failure. Angie deserves a mom that can do something more than talk a real mean game about the future and her plans while in reality she answers phones all fucking day and Tumbls her life away. I can’t be this fucking person (she said, as she Tumbld her life away). 

I’m upset about it. But I can’t go back and change it. I can only go forward and try to learn from it to the best of my ability, I guess. 

Ugh. Blogging sucks. I feel so exposed.

Oh well. Here ‘goes

*hits create post*